When I returned home in my car one afternoon last month, I had been crying for most of my trip to Target. In fact, I don’t even remember why I went to Target (although, from the memes I’ve read, that seems common.) But I do remember why I was upset. The crying started when I first got into the car and the Coldplay song came on the radio about a sky full of stars and wanting to give someone the world. The ballad made me think of my kids and how they are sparkly even when annoying. How I want to give them everything, but also no, because they need to be self-sufficient and not entitled.
Once I arrived at Target I held it together outwardly for long enough to avoid public ridicule. Then I got back into the car and my body remembered, Oh yeah. I am really melancholy and the tears resumed.
For unbridled emotion, crying alone in the car is right up there with singing in the car. Both are selfish, guilty pleasures but with (usually) different motivations. Although, crying to sad songs while also singing along with them might actually be the ultimate in free therapy alternatives!
The problem for me is this: when I am pretty upset I tend to also be clumsy. So when I pulled up to our garage that day and angled myself to fit between the beams I misjudged the angle and hit the beam. I hit it very slowly and immediately stopped. Jeff was sitting at his garage desk and he saw the whole thing. So I can imagine this next part was particularly frustrating for him. The part where I put the car in reverse to correct my angle and popped the cover off my rearview mirror. I was stuck against the beam, causing more damage no matter which way I moved. I stopped driving at that point.
I put the car in park and got out.
Jeff walked over to me and said, “Are you okay?” in a very kind way.
Then he said, “It’s okay. I’ll do it.” More tears.
I was embarrassed about the car, of course, and also very tired from crying my way home.
Jeff didn’t act mad or even surprised, which says a lot about my parking skills, I know! I told him I’d been crying already before this, about Darla leaving home for college and he said, “Oh, Honey.” and hugged me.
That’s all. That’s all he said.
I went inside and poured myself a drink, went into our bedroom, and listened to sad country music. I’m pretty sure those are the actual rules of What-to-do-if-you-crash-into-your-own-garage. I obviously needed a break.
And this is just how it’s been going lately. There are a lot of sad things happening in the world, and there are some emotional triggers happening in all of our lives, too.
At the risk of you calling the State of California to have my driver’s license revoked, I’ll tell you another crying in the car story. On my way to have brunch with my besties last weekend I passed right by a smashed car on the side of a freeway onramp.
Trigger warning! It was terrible!
The ambulance had just arrived, and paramedics were getting out their stretcher. They hadn’t approached the injured people yet. As I drove carefully by, I noticed lots of people out of their cars, standing around on the shoulder of the road which was also a freeway underpass. The crash must have been quite a spectacle. I’m so glad I missed it. The witnesses seemed to be shocked and even sad. Maybe I was projecting my sadness and worry on to them. Normally I try not to look at a car crash, just to drive by and wish them well. But in my curiosity about all of the bystanders, I saw a sturdy-looking police officer leaning into the crashed car. Before I could look away I realized the officer was pumping up and down, performing CPR on the driver.
Can you imagine?!
Well, That was it. I lost my shit.
I had had just about enough with the death and dying at parades and supermarkets and anywhere else, everywhere else.
The thought of this person losing their life right in front of me was too much and I lost control of my emotions.
I got my car slowly past the accident, pulled over and sobbed and wailed into the steering wheel for a long time. I don’t know for how long. It was a long time. I had a lot of pain to get out.
There’s so much to cry about, friends.
And I try, I really do, to keep it light and make you smile with my newsletter. But I haven’t been exactly peppy lately.
I had a wonderful brunch with my friends, Katy and Gia, that day; and I cried when I told them about the crash I’d seen. They cried about things in their lives and we enjoyed some amazing food. It was a good time.
Good times are happening, of course, and I’m thankful for them.
What I want to share with you is the acceptance and the kindness which Jeff and my friends (AND MY NEW THERAPIST!) have extended to me. I’ve been sharing some heavy shit with friends lately. Tales of me and my woes. Sometimes I’m not my best self, and I’m here to heap some blessings on people who love me anyway. Friends who listen and don’t look away when I get upset. Friends who call and check in. A husband who tells me it’s all okay. Kids who tell me I’m brave when I do hard things badly.
People who love me anyway.
People love you anyway, too, you know?
No one is disappointed in you. That’s just a narrative in our heads. It’s simply not true.
In fact, I am -- and you are: a sky full of stars.
Such a heavenly view.
You’re such a heavenly view.
Other news: I was interviewed on an organizing podcast! That was scary but it turned out well. The part with me is from 2:30 to 12:30 if you’d like to listen. Click here.
Thanks for reading
Big love and understanding,
Nonni
We are in weird, difficult and heartbreaking times and, quite frankly, I'm tired of everyone pretending things are fine. Thank you for feeling your feelings and sharing these vulnerable moments. We need more of this. xo
The most vulnerable moments you share are the most beautiful to read because I can relate. Beautiful writing as usual Nonni.