My Favorite Way to Build Community
Parties!
When we first moved to Long Beach (in June, 2016) I was optimistic and excited to make new friends in this new city. I love friends like some people love tacos. My family had lived in Highland Park, Los Angeles for 14 years and made so, so many friends. We had parties all the time. We had wonderful, memorable, raging parties. We had kid parties, work parties, ladies-only parties. Jeff and I founded a babysitting co op in 2005 and every adult in that group of people had two things in common: small children and the desire to party. I’m not exaggerating when I say we got together multiple times a week.
Not only was I looking forward to making friends in Long Beach, I thought I knew exactly how to make them: I would throw parties! I planned a few casual get-togethers with the moms of my kids’ new friends from school. But no one took me up on these invitations. I planned parties for the neighbors on our street. I planned a huge house-warming party when our house was remodeled and ready to move into in May 2017. We invited everyone we could think of within a sixty mile radius! Plenty of people drove all the way down from LA, but only a few Long Beach people came, even after I printed the invitations and hand delivered them. It seemed we didn’t have any real friends here yet. I was sad about that, but not defeated!
For New Year’s Day, 2020, we planned another big party. Darla made two, huge cakes, Jeff cooked up black-eyed peas and delicious pork shoulder, and I created a playlist of dance tunes. We invited friends and work colleagues from all over Southern California who we’ve known for years. Most of them made the drive and it was a great party. I was still determined to make local friends, so I also invited everyone I knew in Long Beach: tennis friends, couples, other parents, and neighbors. For whatever reasons, only 2 women and 1 couple came. One of them left after 10 minutes to go to another party. The others stayed and are some of my favorite friends here. But still. Out of like forty people, only FOUR came? So lame. What was I going to do?
During the pandemic I reconnected with friends who live far and wide. My loneliness and lack of local friends didn’t feel so weird because everyone was lonely and antisocial here in the city. I thought a lot about parties and what to do about people not coming to mine. It was really getting me down that, after living here for four years, I only had one or two good friends. I’m a lady who needs a ROLODEX full of people who are willing to do stuff and go places, even to just sit around and talk. So, I developed a specific strategy to deepen my fledgling friendships. I would start throwing small, intimate parties in my house. I supposed that would get new people used to coming to our house and it would also show them I was a great host. Possibly the best host.
I promised myself that, once the lock down was over, I would host ten small dinner parties. I would invite different people to every party and grow my circle of friends very deliberately over a year. The end goal was to be able to throw big, raging parties with dancing and signature cocktails where lots of people would come and mingle and I would be crowned the Queen of Parties and probably have a national holiday named after me when I die.
How did it go?
Besides one dinner in April which I had to postpone because I had COVID, I stuck to my plan and had nine dinner parties last year. Success! They were all very nice. Some were better than others, and I learned a lot about cooking for 8 people at a time.
This past month I hosted another dinner party for only women where we had intentional conversations about life and about our varied personal experiences. It was such a wonderful evening, and nothing like the raucous parties I tried to throw a few years ago with the intention of making friends. Maybe I’m onto something. Or maybe I’m just getting to be an old lady who will start stuffing used tissues into my sleeves.
I still have a vast need for personal connections and conversations. Some people might say that socially, I’m a bottomless pit. Getting to know and love other people is my hobby -- collecting friends like treasures. If I like you I will stalk you until you respond. I will love you until you cave in and say, “Okay. Alright! I’ll be your friend.”
Maybe you’ve heard this saying before, “Stop reaching out for people who don’t reach back.” I do think that’s a great piece of advice, however hard it is for me to follow. But I also think most people want to have friends. Maybe they don’t have time to prioritize cultivating new friendships, or maybe they are insecure and scared other people won’t like them. But the majority of adults I encounter are pleased to have a semi-deep conversation and to feel a connection with someone.
In my head I’m usually planning my next party. Currently daydreaming about another piano bar situation in our living room with lots of singing and maybe costumes! (!?!?!?!) But I’m also just as likely to be thinking of a small, cozy get-together. Imagine that!
Gratefulness and love,
Nonni
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I was excited to see Jay in one of the small dinner party photos! I so love hanging with you and talking about fun stuff (and hard stuff). I hope you feel that love. Squeeeeeze!
You are a fantastic hostess!