I'm in Tennis Paradise

I'm with my son, and we aren't even fighting!

Hello from Indian Wells, California where Zane and I are attending the pro tennis tournament. This tournament is usually in March, but this year --like most large events-- it was postponed. Zane is a ball kid for the tournament and the whole trip is one of the highlights of my year! 

If you get the Tennis Channel and want to watch him sweating in the heat, he’ll be on court after 4pm on Wed, Th, and Fri --Oct 6, 7 & 8. (Text me if you are seriously looking for him because there are 9 courts.) 

Since Zane doesn’t go to work until 330 everyday, and since it’s about 100 degrees here in the desert, we spend a lot of time during the days in our AirBnB. A lot of time to think, and I’ve noticed my mind stays a lot more focused when I’m on vacation. For instance, I’ve been singing the chorus to Montero for 18 hours in a row like a pop-song mental ninja!

For the past few days my brain has been newly fascinated by my physical appearance. Our trip wasn't planned as a narcissistic get-away. But here I am, surrounded by full-length mirrors in this rental house. The architecture is giving me 2000’s vibes with really high ceilings and mirrored closet doors. The entire bathroom is one big mirror. I mean, I am everywhere! I’m doing my youtube workout and there I am, watching myself doing my youtube workout. I’m doing yoga and there I am again! This must be how J Lo feels! 

so many mirrors!

Back at home, we have no visible full length mirrors. I have to move a doorstop and slide our closet door closed in order to ever see my lower half, and I rarely bother with the effort. So having this new, visual information about all parts of my body is changing my brain patterns. I’m spending much more time passing judgment (good and bad, doesn’t matter) on what I see. 

This phenomenon is why I don’t follow famous people on Instagram or watch the nightly news. I don’t want any of those images in my head. I don’t enjoy judging how other people look (good or bad, doesn’t matter) or replaying human tragedy in my mind. 

Yesterday, when I was noticing how my thoughts were so dependent on what my eyes were seeing, Philippians 4:8 came into my head. “...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable —if anything is excellent or praiseworthy— think about such things. ” Now, I realize it’s easier than ordering take-out to quote a Bible verse out of context in order to make your point. So, you can take that reference or leave it. The message I take away is to spend my time reading about and actively looking at things I want to think about, not whatever pops up on a screen in front of me. I don’t have to read the news everyday just because I’m an adult.

During lockdown I had a lot more time than usual to be introspective. I also watched more TV shows than I had since the summer when I was 7! (Didn’t you?) There is only so much Netflix a person can binge before you start to feel like an amorphous mollusk stuck to the side of a ship that is not even moving. But once I turned my screen off I tried meditating. I tried writing. I tried talking incessantly to my husband (which he loved, btw). All of these activities reinforced my self-reflection, and as thoughts turn inward one can start to go a little crazy! But one may also learn a lot about life. 

I learned I was very worried about my kids. Parents always worry about their kids, and I've had plenty of practice. (I understand that once they move out of my house --which I am still choosing to believe they will do. Don’t burst my bubble!-- my worry may actually increase. I can’t think about that yet!) But Coronavirus Worry was next level! During that time I read the newspapers regularly, which I didn’t do before, and the news was all bad all the time. It seemed so important to stay informed. But I don’t think it was worth it. 

I knew reading the news wasn’t a priority for me in regular times but I did it anyway and it made me miserable —filled with stress about whether or not it was responsible to let the kids go out to do anything at all! And if they stayed in the house, were they depressed? Suicidal? Raging? Every decision generated worry. I’ve heard this from lots of parents lately, that our collective anxiety was out of control last year. Looking back I realize our worry was adding fuel to the social isolation fire, and it was all unsustainable. Teenagers need to mostly be left alone to hang out with their friends.

Finally, all of the worry came to a head and the bubble burst. A couple months ago a therapist told Jeff and I to try —I know it’s hard. But please, just TRY— to stop worrying about what our kids were doing. They are 16 & 17 and fully-cooked. Except for some adult lessons to learn on their own, they are done being children. And even if they don’t know how to plan a week of meals or parallel park yet, they are most certainly done listening to their parents! 

This advice turned out to be magic. The two of us help each other not give into the temptation to worry so much, and our children are happier for it. We trust them to take care of themselves and ask us for help when they need it. (Spoiler- They never need it.) We even talked about this transition in our parenting and asked them what specific things we were doing that drove them crazy. The results were shocking!  SHOCKING! I mean, can you imagine me doing anything annoying? I couldn’t either. But, now I see what they were feeling and I get it. I curb my Mom Behaviors as much as I can. I try not to solve problems that don’t exist. 

This is the phase of our babies’ lives where we get to sit back and enjoy who they have become. They are moody, full of energy, hungry, and they know everything! They are more entertaining than anything in the newspaper and more hopeful than anything on TV. They are struggling with the demands of regular life —back to school, back to friends and sports, back to college applications and tests. And they are figuring it out on their own.

My mind now has these empty spaces where kid-related things used to run around banging and making noise. Sometimes I feel so guilty sitting down doing something I want to do, just because it’s enjoyable. I’m not used to having mental space where I can stretch out. It feels foreign and sometimes kinda boring. 

Ha! Imagine telling my 2014 self that I’d be a little bored with time to read a book or stare at myself in a mirror. She would be so confused, and call me lazy —a bad mother. I wonder what my 2029 self will say? She may not even own a mirror! 

yes, he’s wearing matching socks

You know what isn’t boring? Watching live professional tennis! Wahoo!

Please keep in touch and tell me: How’s your back-to-life feeling?